


The Edge

by Maisie_top_trash



Series: Unseen - Fear Will Lose [42]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Childhood Trauma, Fighting, M/M, Panic Attacks, argument, fight, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:29:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22381858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: The anniversary of their engagement has come around but Josh’s mind is on other things, things Tyler is desperate to understand.For so many years it had always been Tyler who was the one to worry about, with the tides turning, can the couple adapt do Josh being the one in need?Issa fight
Relationships: Josh Dun/Tyler Joseph
Series: Unseen - Fear Will Lose [42]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/561244
Comments: 16
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for:
> 
> Discussion of child abuse  
> Loss of friend  
> Feelings of burdening
> 
> (Let me know if there’s anything else you feel I should highlight)

“I don’t care Kevin! At the end of the day, he was responsible for ensuring the motion was filed before 4pm and he failed to do that! And now who has to pay the price?? Me! It’s my case, my client, my reputation on the line. So no, I can’t just let him off the hook, I need him to freaking apologise for screwing over my whole case!” 

Tyler had been waiting for Josh to come home for hours. He finished his day at the elementary school by 3, and even including a trip to Target and Trader Joe’s for supplies, he had been home since before 4. Usually Josh got back from work by 7, but it was almost half past 8 by the time his husband finally came through the door, angrily ranting into his phone. 

“What good does that do me? Hey? How does that help me tell my client that our whole strategy has gone out the window because one paralegal at the office isn’t capable of doing his flipping job - I now only have this weekend to come up with an entirely new strategy ready for court on Monday. I spent 3 weeks on that plan! 3 weeks I billed the clients for, and they’re gonna get a sleepless weekend’s shoddy work in return.”

Josh’s voice sounded like it was getting further away, and Tyler’s heart sunk. His husband had walked to the kitchen, rather than following the rose petals that he had sprinkled from the door to the living room, where he was waiting with a bouquet of roses, a box of chocolates, and a dozen lit candles. 

“It does matter! I’m gonna lose the case!” Josh was getting madder and madder, and Tyler didn’t know what to do. Part of him hoped that Josh would hang up and walk back across the house to find him in the centre of the rose petals, like the plan had been all along, and instantly be blown away by the grand gesture. But Tyler came to the realisation that his husband wasn’t gonna join him anytime soon, so instead he left his setup in pursuit of Josh instead. 

“Oh that’s ridiculous and you know it! You know it Kevin!” He was snapping into the device as Tyler tiptoed into the kitchen, earning a glance, then a second glance when Josh realised Tyler was dressed up in a crisp white shirt and dress pants - no tie but the top 3 buttons undone. “Oh you know what, I'm beyond bored of your excuses, just get it sorted out. I’ve got better things to be doing.”

Josh hung up and put the phone on the surface, rubbed his face, then turned to Tyler with a sigh. 

“Hey,”  
“Hi,”  
“You look nice, what’s, uh, what’s all this about?” Josh was clearly having to force himself to calm down after the aggressive call. “Was today the governor’s meeting?”  
“That was Tuesday, today’s the anniversary of our engagement, I, uh, yeah, I had a lil thing set up in the front room, wanted to surprise you, but I guess you had a rough day at the office,”   
“Engagement anniversary? Is that a thing?” The lawyer asked and Tyler gulped, trying very hard not to be hurt by the dismissive tone and clear lack of care. 

“Is it a thing? What do you mean by is it a thing?”  
“Is it something I’m supposed to celebrate?” Josh was still frowning.   
“Who cares if it’s a thing other people celebrate, it’s a thing that I want to celebrate, I mean it was one of the best days of my life, and it’s not like celebrating it is particularly inconvenient for you, all I did was buy you some chocolate and flowers - we can be done in like 5 minutes.”  
“But you didn’t tell me this was something we were doing, I didn’t get you anything,”  
“So? I don’t need anything, and the flowers are gonna go up in our shared house and I’m guessing you’re gonna share the chocolates with me. I’ll still get something out of the gifts - but, but, but this isn’t about the gifts Josh, this is about remembering a happy day,”  
“Right,” he didn’t seem that enthused by the idea, and honestly Tyler could cry. 

“I put a lot of effort into this Josh, can you please not look at me like I just spat in your face.”  
“Effort into doing what?” Again he bulldozed all over Tyler’s fragile heart.   
“Flowers and chocolates,”  
“10 minute detour to the store?”  
“And I lit candles and sprinkled petals for you to follow into the living room-“  
“Petals?? Tyler please tell me you did not put red rose petals on our $5000 hand crafted real wool carpet?!” All of sudden Josh rushed into action and dashed past Tyler, following the roses but in completely the wrong fashion. 

“Tyler!” He cried out in annoyance rather than shocked delight. “The pigment leaks out of these things so easily! You can’t put in on a cream carpet! Come on! You know these things!”   
“I didn’t know,” he felt very small.   
“You’re capable of logical thought and common sense though, right?!”  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do it wrong, I was trying to be romantic, I’m sorry,”   
“For the love of God, please, just don’t stand on any of them,” Josh left the room again and Tyler began to tear up. 

He knew Josh had been stressed recently, he knew he had a lot on his plate, but this was supposed to be a nice surprise and Josh hated it. He hated it. 

“Okay if we’re careful we can fix this,” he returned and held a plastic bag out towards Tyler, which he took in his trembling hand. “Pick them all up so carefully, don’t sweep them up, do it one by one and don’t smush downwards because-“  
“I know how to pick up petals Josh,” Tyler sighed quietly and crouched down, starting to put them in the makeshift trash bag one by one.   
“Good, gah, this was the last thing I needed after today, can you just get this all packed away please, I need to go make another call,”  
“Yeh,” he sniffed and Josh left again. 

  
By 9 o clock, Tyler had put all the loose petals in the trash, put the bouquet in the trash as well, blown out all the candles, and was sat on the floor eating the top tray of the chocolates he had got for Josh. He hadn’t cried, except maybe three or four stray tears, but he felt like he could burst into sobs at any point. To say the gesture had been a flop was an understatement - if anything he had made Josh more stressed, and he felt like shit on what was supposed to be a happy anniversary. 

It had not gone to plan. 

He was tired and what he really wanted was to go to bed, but he knew Josh was in his office on a work call, and his office was on the way to the stairs, and Tyler didn’t want to walk past him because he knew it would just upset him, so instead he threw another strawberry cream filled chocolate into his mouth and sighed. 

Why couldn’t he do anything right?

Maybe Josh was right, maybe it was weird to celebrate the anniversary of their engagement now that they were married, and it was foolish to put red pigment on their cream carpet, and he hadn’t told Josh that he was planning on celebrating so he had no idea that he ought to come home on time. 

But maybe Josh was wrong, maybe it was wrong to be frequently coming home when Tyler would ideally already like to be in bed, and maybe it was wrong to talk to him like dirt on his shoe, and maybe it was wrong to ruin the token of love that he had tried so hard to set up. 

He didn’t like confrontation but he hated there being unspoken tension, so once he had spent half an hour wallowing, Tyler set the chocolates aside and stood up. After a quick tuck of his shirt back into his pants, he took some anxious steps out of the living room and across the hall over to Josh’s home office.   
  
There didn’t seem to be the sounds of a call in progress so Tyler pushed the door open, but rather than seeing Josh working away feverishly, he was fast asleep in his chair. A small sigh escaped Tyler’s nostrils. 

The first thing he did was save the document that Josh had open on his laptop, knowing losing work would probably push his stressed husband even further over the edge. Next he found the white iPhone charger amongst the mess of cables coming from the extension cord underneath his desk, and plugged Josh’s dying phone into charge. He put the lid on the fountain pen that was on top of some scrawled notes, and tided the pages up a little. 

All the while, Josh hadn’t stirred. 

He didn’t know whether to leave his husband to sleep or to wake him up. He recognised that Josh was beyond drained so decided against waking him just to pick a fight with him, but spending a night on the office chair was going to leave him with awful neck cramps the next day, and Tyler didn’t want him to have even more reasons to be cranky. 

For a moment he considered grabbing a blanket from the living room and leaving him to rest there until he naturally woke up from the nap and moved upstairs by himself, but Tyler was concerned that Josh would sleep through the whole night, so instead he gently squeezed his shoulder to try and rise him. 

“Hmm?” Josh blinked a couple of times then rubbed his face. “Wha?”  
“You fell asleep working,”  
“Oh shit, I’ve got so much to do, uh, what time is it?” He shuffled closed to his desk again and started flicking through the papers that Tyler had just straightened.   
“Josh,”  
“9, okay, I can get a couple more hours in,” Josh read from the watch that Tyler had given him on their wedding day.   
“No babe, you’re clearly exhausted, come on, just come up to bed with me,”  
“I need to work,”  
“Any work you do now will be garbage,”  
“Wow, thanks a lot Ty.”  
“I didn’t mean it like that and you know it, I meant you’re too tired to concentrate tonight. If you get some rest then you’ll be more efficient tomorrow,”

Josh didn’t respond to that, just grabbed his pen and pulled the lid off, jotting something down. 

“Josh.”  
“Ty can you please leave me alone? I get that you’ve never had to deal with a deadline in your life but can you at least attempt to recognise that I need to be focussed right now.”  
“I’ve never had to deal with a deadline? You’re joking right?”  
“You’re an elementary school music teacher 3 days a week, I’m a lawyer working 3 times your hours with court on Monday.”  
“You’re also an insensitive asshole.” Tyler scoffed but got no response again. 

“Fine, I’m going to bed, work all night if you want, but if you do decide to sleep then you can take the guest room.”  
“Fine, close the door on your way out,” Josh didn’t look up from his notes. 

Tyler woke up alone. It was actually the fifth time he had woken up alone that night, unable to sleep more than an hour or so at a time. When he first woke up after an hour sleeping, he remembered he hadn’t taken his night meds, which included sleep meds, so the taking of those pills gave him another few hours, but he’d been up pretty much every hour on the hour since 4am. It was safe to say that he had not slept well. 

The other side of the bed being empty was a horrible sensation. He hated that when he stretched his arm out, rather than being met with Josh’s croaky morning voice saying hello, he was left clutching at the cold sheets. 

Josh spoke about that sometimes, the loathing of the empty bed when Tyler was in the hospital, but this was different because there was bad blood between them. At least with an inpatient admission, things were getting better and he was getting help. But with their relationship Tyler was terrified that things were getting worse and worse. Only a year into marriage and already the honeymoon period was dead and buried. 

With that thought, Tyler rolled out of bed and roughly pulled the duvet back up, then slid his feet into his slippers and walked softly across the top floor to check whether Josh was awake yet. 

He pushed the guest room door open, but the room was empty and the bed was undisturbed. Josh wasn’t there and seemingly hadn’t been there all night. 

They had a second guest room, which the pair of them tended to refer to as the nursery, since the long term plan had been to adopt a baby with the door at the other end of the hall becoming their space. Honestly at this rate, Tyler wasn’t sure it would even be fair to bring a baby into a home full of bickering and spite. But he didn’t let himself get too caught up on his dream of becoming a father fading fast, and instead pushed that door open too, only to find it empty as well. 

A scary thought popped into Tyler’s head - maybe Josh had left?? Maybe last night was the final straw and he was gone, and Tyler was truly alone. 

A sneeze from downstairs blew that theory. 

With a relieved sigh, Tyler headed down the stairs as quickly as his slightly too big slippers would allow, and, after finding the office empty, went into the kitchen. 

Josh was stood at the sink, pouring a kettle of boiling water over a colander containing a few pieces of kale so to wilt it just a little, whilst a saucepan was bubbling away on the stove, and he saw a pack of smoked salmon open on the side. Tyler didn’t like smoked salmon, he didn’t really like kale, and he imagined he probably wouldn’t like whatever was in the saucepan either. 

“Hi,”  
“Oh, morning,” Josh glanced over at him with an obviously forced smile as he put the kettle back on its base. He was still wearing his suit from yesterday, but had lost the jacket, necktie and cuff links, and his shirt was crumpled. 

“What are you making?”  
“Egg on toast,” he grossly simplified it as he pulled a toasted slice of dark rye bread out of the toaster and put it on a plate. 

Personally Tyler didn’t see the problem with ordinary white bread, but recently Josh had been buying the fancy stuff that stuck to the roof of Tyler’s mouth. 

“Did you sleep well?” Josh asked whilst drizzling olive oil onto the toast.   
“Not really,” Tyler sunk into one of the barstools at the island and watched the assembly of the meal closely. 

After the oil, Josh transferred the kale onto the toast, then pulled two slices of salmon from the pack and placed them on top in that perfect messy yet precise way, and ate another small slice as he went. 

“Did you pull an all nighter?”  
“Nah, worked till about 4 then got 3 hours kip on the couch in the front room.”  
“You could’ve taken the guest room if you wanted,”  
“Squeaky floorboard at the top of the stairs, didn’t wanna risk waking you,” Josh said in a somewhat considerate manner, but he had his back to Tyler, checking on his egg for a few seconds before deciding the timing was perfect, so reaching into the hot water with a silicone slotted spoon and pulling it out. 

He placed the poached egg in the middle of his stack, then killed the heat of the stove and moved the pan over to the sink for washing up later. Next came a crack of black pepper, then a pause. 

“Chilli, needs chilli,” he murmured under his breath. 

Tyler couldn’t really cook at all. He could probably manage poaching an egg to put on toast, but when it come to using alternatives like oil rather than butter and matching complex flavours and seasoning and having the knife skills to slice chilli like Josh did so naturally - he was out of his depth. 

“If you became a chef you’d be so much happier than you are.”  
“Shouldn’t make your hobbies a career, it’ll ruin them.” Josh said as he sprinkled the red bits of chilli on top of the dish, put the remaining two thirds of the fresh pod back into the fridge, then washed his fingertips with fast running water. 

“Was that a dig at me?”  
“What??”  
“I said was that a dig at me? My only hobby is music, I became a music teacher, and I’m depressed. Was that a dig at me?”   
“Oh my, eugh, you’re so sensitive Ty! Not everything is an attack on you!”  
“And you’re so insensitive Josh because everything you say feels like an attack on me!”

“Right, I’m going to take my breakfast into the dining room, eat it, then we’re doing this.”  
“Doing what?”  
“Having the big fight that’s been brewing for the past month, just give me 3 minutes, okay?!”  
“Can’t wait.” Tyler gave him a sarcastic thumbs up as he left the room carrying his plate and cutlery. 

It wasn’t a pleasant feeling, knowing an argument was looming, but it had been that way for a while and, if anything, Tyler was looking forward to the resolution of the tension at long last. Of course he was terrified that Josh would yell at him, upset him, maybe push him into an episode, but deep down he was seeking a change in pace. 

He loved Josh, that wasn’t up for debate, he adored his husband, but currently he didn’t especially like him. He was short tempered and cantankerous, and always behaved like he had a stick up his ass. Maybe it was work stress, it was probably work stress, and if it was work stress then there was always the hope that Josh would quit the job that drained his soul, but Tyler knew it wouldn’t happen anytime soon. 

As much as Josh loved to pretend that he was working a six figure salary position just to raise funds for any of Tyler’s medical needs, they both knew that he was in fact incredibly materialistic. Josh loved the three piece suits, loved the granite worktops, loved the Rolex. 

Maybe he could pretend the Rolex was sentimental, with Tyler’s engraving pressed against his wrist, but the same excuse couldn’t explain away the designer labels on the outfits he wore, or the fact he had all the wooden countertops in the kitchen replaced with the indulgent stone when they moved in. 

Even the fact they bought a house was excessive when all they really needed was a one bedroom apartment. Josh was ashamed of his materialism, so hid behind claims of Tyler’s medical expenses, but would never leave his high paying job, even to save his relationship. 

It was inevitable and predictable that work would come up in the fight, but what else might?? Tyler didn’t want to rehearse too much, he wanted to be raw and honest rather than practiced and stiff, but he didn’t want to forget something that he would later regret, so he started making a little mental list of all the issues that had come up recently whilst pouring himself a bowl of fruit loops. 

“I can cook you something if you want,” Josh came back in with his empty plate, barely any crumbs left behind, just a smudge of yellow egg yolk and a few red specks of chilli.   
“I’m not a baby, I can cook for myself, I prefer fruit loops.” Tyler lied, putting the box back and beginning to eat the dry cereal out of the bowl by itself, not wanting to add milk, picking each piece up with his fingers.   
“If you say so.”

Josh seemed to be favouring the corner of the kitchen by the sink, leaning against his much adored granite counter, so Tyler went back over to the bar stool at the island. 

“How do you wanna do this?”  
“Your idea, you start.” Tyler shrugged.   
“Okay, um, I feel like you’re not being supportive of me, I feel like you don’t respect the work I do, I feel like you’re constantly picking fights with me, and I guess I feel like you give off the impression that you prefer it when I’m not around.” Josh began.   
“I feel the exact same way, in fact I was going to say the same thing,”  
“Right,”

“Our arguments always begin with this, so let’s just do it quickly so we can move on - I hate that you’re a lawyer and I wish you’d resign, but you won’t,”  
“Inpatient costs $1500 per night, plus-“  
“I know how much it costs, I know all the pricing Josh, but I haven’t needed inpatient for ages and I’m determined not to need it again. I don’t need to go to day patient sessions, I don’t need a community psych nurse, I don’t need a crisis team, I don’t need any of those expensive services. All I need at the moment is one session of therapy a week and my meds, and most of that is covered by insurance.”

“I have to think long term,” Josh said quietly.   
“So you’re just assuming that I’m gonna get bad again? Have you got any idea how shitty it feels to be trying so damn hard but to have your husband stood on the sidelines just waiting for you to fail??”   
“I’m not rooting for you to fail, I’m preparing to pick you back up,”   
“Why can’t you just be supportive of me now so that I don’t need picking up? It’s as if you think a relapse is inevitable.”

“I need to be realistic,”  
“Realistic?” Tyler didn’t know whether to scream or cry. “Wow, you know what? Fuck you.”  
“Ty,”  
“What? What! I am trying my hardest every single day, fighting every single day, healing every single day, because I want to build a life with you. No other reason. I want to be a part of this marriage and I want to get well enough to become a father with you and grow old with you, and, and you’re just-“  
“I’m just what Ty? Huh? What part of wanting to be able to give you the best possible treatment is supposed to be offensive? Everything I’m doing, I’m doing for you.”

“So when you leave for work before I wake up, that’s for me? And when you come back late at night, too tired to ask me about my day or even look at me somedays, that’s for me too? Am I supposed to be grateful for you working yourself to the bone to the point where your tolerance for me is 0 and I get snapped at for daring to exist in your space?”  
“My tolerance for you is not 0,”  
“Yesterday I set the living room up with flowers and candles and you acted like I’d ripped up your favourite Burberry shirt.” Tyler couldn’t resist mentioning the $270 garment that Josh had two of. It was white, and looked the exact same as the white button ups Tyler wore from Target, but had a tiny embroidered logo that somehow required the ridiculous price. 

“I don’t think you understand-“  
“Oh, so now I’m dumb?”  
“Tyler, you can’t seriously be calling me out for having no tolerance whilst jumping down my throat like a hypocrite.” Josh called him out. “Can I talk?”  
“Yep.” Tyler sighed.   
“I don’t think you understand how this works. I need to be pulling in money whilst you’re healthy enough to be able to cope without me here. There’s no good in me not working now so that we can hang out, then you getting really sick and me having to leave you with no support whilst I go earn the money to send you for treatment. I need to be working now, so that I can take time off work when you really need me.”  
“I need you now!”  
“Not as much as you need me when you’re sick. At least at the moment you can keep yourself safe - on your bad days I have to do that for you.” 

“You make me sound like some kind of tamagotchi that you’re trying to keep alive.”  
“I am trying to keep you alive Ty,” Josh frowned.   
“But I’m my own person, I can take responsibility for myself, I can look after myself, I don’t need you to be my keeper, I need you to be my husband and my friend. Support me, not be responsible for me.”  
“Sure.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”  
“It means that I don’t entirely agree,”  
“Go on, why not?” Tyler waited for his next words.   
“If you’re so certain that you can look after yourself, why are you getting so mad at me for leaving for a couple of hours?!”   
“Because it’s not a couple of hours, it’s all day every day and I am lonely, okay? I love you, I want to spend time with you, and I miss you when you’re not here.”

“It’s exhausting being your crutch.” Josh ran his hand through his hair, closing his eyes as he spoke.   
“You’re not my crutch.”  
“No, you’re right, I’m more than that, I’m like your caretaker,”  
“Josh,”  
“It’s true!”  
“It’s not. Okay, when I’m having a really really shitty day, I might need you to keep a closer eye on me, but 95% of the time I am capable of being independent. I can be independent, I just don’t necessarily see that as a good thing all the time, because for me, the best part of a marriage is trusting someone else to take good care of you, and doing the same for them in return. If we’re both entirely independent, we’re just two people living in the same house. I don’t want that, I want for this relationship to intertwine us with one another - maybe you think that’s over-reliance, but for me? I see that as love. It’s vulnerability and trust, and that’s the fundament of love.”

“Ty, you have to get better at being with yourself,”  
“Did you listen to anything I just said?”  
“I heard you saying a lot of words that I know you don’t believe.” Josh replied. “You can call over-reliance love if you want, but just know that that love is slowly but surely killing me.”  
“Me wanting you is killing you?”  
“The constant pressure to set the tone is killing me.”  
“What do you mean? I don’t understand.” Tyler asked honestly and quietly. 

“When you’re sick, or just having a bad day, I expend every ounce of myself into doing anything I can to alleviate that. I drop everything to be there for you, and I do my best to raise you up. But when it’s me who’s having the bad day - acknowledging the fact I do not have depression but can still have hard days - you meet me with annoyance and frustration and it’s shit Ty. I always have to be happy or else we’re both miserable. I don’t wanna have to fake being happy just so you’re happy, I want you to recognise I’m having a hard time and do what I do for you by treating me with kindness and consideration.”

“I hear what you’re saying, I do, and I’m always so appreciative of everything you sacrifice to support me, but I don’t know what you want me to do in return Josh. I mean just last night I tried to do something romantic to help cheer you up, and we both know how that went down.”  
“I don’t need big romantic gestures, I just need the porch light left on and the dishwasher emptied. Basic stuff.”  
“I always put the porch light on, the dishes are all washed and put away, the laundry is split into lights and darks for washing today, I took all your suits to the dry cleaners on Tuesday and they’re all back in the closet without you even realising, if you open the fridge right now there’s a dish of mac and cheese I made you on Thursday so that you wouldn’t have to cook which you ignored - I get that it’s not much but I am trying to do the basics Josh. I do the basics, I do the grand gestures, I just feel like you’re disappointed by any efforts I make to help.”

Josh sighed and Tyler fiddled with his thumb anxiously. 

“You want the brutal truth?”  
“Hit me.” Tyler nodded.   
“I think you’re needy.”  
“I mean, uh, yeah, I guess I am? I want for us to rely on each other, and if you see that as needy then fine, I’m needy.”   
“It’s exhausting for me to be constantly adapting and centring my life around you.”  
“That’s love Josh, I try to do the same for you-“  
“It’s not love, it’s the fact that you have no identity outside of me and mental illness.” Josh delivered the blow. 

Tyler reeled in shock for a moment. 

“Do you want to take that back?”   
“No.” Josh didn’t hesitate. “You hate being by yourself at the moment because you are healthy and without me, so you’re nothing, and you don’t know how to manage that.”  
“I am not nothing Josh.” He was shaking, trembling, teetering.   
“What are you then?? Who are you?? Because you know what, I went through some shit, and I grew from it. I grew because I eliminated all distractions and put in the fucking work to get to know the person I became after getting beaten for 18 years and my best friend in the entire world dying. I took the time to learn about myself, and a lot of the stuff I learnt I didn’t like, so I worked through it and I changed, and through that I’ve managed to overcome my flashbacks, overcome internalised homophobia, overcome religious abuse and child abuse, overcome grief, overcome all of that to become a successful lawyer who’s going places. I’m the best version of myself because I took the time to be introspective and get familiar with the inner workings of my character. You’ve never taken the time to sit with yourself and figure out who you are, and you don’t want to, in fact you’d rather try and guilt trip me into quitting my career than sit with no distractions for a few evenings a week.”

“Get out.” Tyler gulped.   
“What?”  
“Get out! Leave! Get away from me!”  
“Tyler,”  
“That is the cruelest th-“ his voice cracked as he started getting choked up. “That’s the cruelest thing anyone has ever said to me. I want you to leave me alone.”

“Leave you alone? You finally want to be alone now? Hey? You want to-“  
“Josh shut the fuck up, okay?!” Tyler snapped at him. “I’m glad you were able to fuck off to Indonesia and find yourself, but meanwhile I was having a psychotic breakdown. I’m glad you could heal whilst my schizoaffective disorder is a diagnosis I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life. I’m really fucking glad you like yourself so much, because you’re right, I hate myself, but that’s not something you should be rubbing in my face and that’s not something that gets better through abandonment. I do want to spend my time with you, not because you’re a distraction that papers over my own discontent, but because you make the voices stop and you make me feel worthy and because I thought I liked looking at myself through your eyes - but I now know I was wrong.”

“I like you, it’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just that I wish you would like yourself more.” Josh told Tyler as he wiped away a single tear, hoping his husband hadn’t seen but knowing he had.   
“I wish I liked myself more too.”  
“Then do something about it.”  
“Wow, somebody give that guy an honorary degree in psychology for that logic, wonderful, great idea, thanks Josh,” he used sarcasm as a defence mechanism. 

“What do you think I’ve been doing in therapy for all these years?”  
“So therapy isn’t working, try something new,”  
“Therapy is working Josh - I’m not dead.”  
“That’s where you’re choosing to set the bar? Being alive or not? Don’t you want more from life than that??”  
“Of course I do but you weren’t there when I was at Cygnet, you didn’t see me when I lost everything. I had to start from scratch. I had to learn to eat, to wash, to dress, everything. I’m learning to push the bar up, little by little, but I don’t want to aim too high and have it all come crashing down.”

Josh’s lack of understanding had Tyler questioning everything. 

“Maybe the radical approach of going to Indonesia worked for you, but it wouldn’t work for me. I don’t, I don’t thrive in isolation, I self destruct.”   
“You don’t know that Ty, I’m not saying I want you to leave, but if it might help you then I would support you in going on a solo trip,”  
“I don’t want to go, I’m not going, no. And actually I do know that isolation is detrimental because I spent years of my life isolating myself, and that’s part of the reason my mind is such a mess, so please don’t assume you know my psyche better than I do.”

“I only want the best for you.”  
“After 20 years of trying to manage my mental health issues, I have found the best possible treatment programme and that is the combination of medication, CBT, rest, patience, journaling and arguably most importantly - love. It’s cheesy but it’s true, I need love in my life, and I get it from my family but I also need it from you. That makes me needy, I don’t care if you want to call me that, fine, it’s true, but I need your love in my life Josh, and these days I barely get to see you, let alone be loved by you.”

“I love you, I do,”  
“Yeah?”   
“Yeah,” Josh nodded slowly, “even when I’m not here to show you, I do. At work I’ve got a picture of you on my desk, well I’ve got two, I’ve got that nice one of the two of us from our wedding day, the one in the woods when I’m looking at you all doughy-eyed,”  
“I’ve got it in my wallet,” Tyler knew the one he was talking about.   
“Yeah that’s it, but then I’ve also got one of just you, back when we lived in your parents’ house in high school, and I don’t remember what was happening or who took it or anything, but you look so damn happy Ty. You were 17 or 18,”  
“Before my scars,” he reached up and rubbed his neck, the marks ruining every photo since, including their wedding photos.   
“You had scars, just not on your neck, but that’s not why I like the photo, I like it because your eyes are smiling as well as your lips. That doesn’t happen so often these days, I miss it, and uh, and yeah, I look at it and it gives me hope that you can get back to that happy guy again,”

“A lot’s changed since then. Psychosis, drugs and drink, Debby, Cygnet,”  
“Do you think you can’t go back?” Josh asked.   
“I think it wouldn’t be doing justice to my journey if I pretended like none of it happened. It changed me, and I can’t pretend it didn’t. I’m not the same person as I was when I was 17, so no, I can’t go back, but I can move forwards and the new version of Ty can learn to be happy I think.” 

“Do I make you happy?”  
“Yes.”  
“You answered that too quickly. Take a moment, think about it properly,” Josh got him to try again, so Tyler spent a few minutes just considering the question. 

“You make me feel a lot of things. You make me feel mad, and hurt, and ignored, and upset, and sometimes abandoned. You rile me up like no other. But you make me feel comfortable, and safe, and cherished, and calm, and also excited and passionate and inspired, and the thing about depression is that it so often smothers out all and any zealousness, but with you I am actually capable of feeling this broad range of emotions, opposed to numbness, and I’m grateful for that. Unbelievably grateful.”

“Happy though, do I make you happy?”  
“Sometimes,”  
“Recently?”  
“Not so much.” Tyler admitted and Josh sighed. “But I know it’s been an especially busy patch at work, so, uh, so yeah, I acknowledge that.”

“It’s not been a busy patch.”  
“No?”  
“No, I’ve just been promoted to some bigger cases recently, and after these cases, I’ll go onto bigger and bigger. It’s a conveyor belt that won’t end, just get worse and worse.”  
“So where does that leave us?”   
“I don’t even know anymore Ty.” Josh sighed, tugging on his hair again. 

“It can’t go on like this Josh. I can’t keep coming home to an empty house, only to wait for hours and hours for you to come back mad at me. It’s not, it’s not healthy for me, it’s not good for us, for our relationship. Something needs to change.”  
“We always come to the same conclusion during these arguments, but I don’t know what you want me to do.”  
“I think you know exactly what I want you to do.”  
“You want me to quit my job, but you don’t understand that I can’t.”

“You’re right, we always come to the same conclusion, and the honest reason is because your career choice is the problem Josh. And I don’t want it to have to come to this, but eventually we’re gonna reach a point where you’ll have to decide - me or the job?”  
“Are you seriously pulling an ultimatum on me??”  
“No, at least not now, I’m just warning you that there’s only so many times I can beg you to walk away from the office-“  
“Before what, before you walk away?? Are you threatening to leave me if I don’t throw away my career?” Josh was flaring up again.   
“No, I am pleading with you to please, please, work on this marriage with me. I love you, I need you, I want to be with you, but we’re only 1 year in. I can’t spend the next 60 just sat around waiting for you!”  
“You’re afraid to be by yourself because you hate yourself!”  
“Stop pulling that card Josh! I don’t want to be by myself because that’s not what marriage is about!”

“Marriage is about consideration, and currently all you’re considering is yourself. You don’t care about all the effort I’ve put into building this career.”  
“I just understand that family is more important than money.”  
“You can say that because you have a family and you have money you can turn to. What do I have Ty?? Huh? My family want me dead and, until I started practicing law, I didn’t have a dime to my name. It’s real easy to say that money doesn’t matter when you have access to it. If you needed anything, your mom and dad would be there in a heartbeat. Everything I have, I’ve had to earn, and you have zero respect for that.”  
“Why do you have to question what you have?? You have me Josh! You’ve got me! Am I not enough??”

“I’m tired of going in circles. I’ve got work to do.” Josh wouldn’t make eye contact.   
“Agreed, I need a break - I think it’s best I get out of the house so I’m gonna call my brother and see if he wants to get breakfast.”  
“And this cereal you’ve wasted? I guess I’ll tidy that up then?” He gestured to the bowl that Tyler had admittedly not dealt with yet.   
“I’ll do it, and I’ll do all your washing up too, just go work Josh, you’d clearly rather be in your office than in here with me.”  
“Spot on.” He left the room in a huff, and Tyler had to hold back tears. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s 2.20am here in England and I suddenly felt compelled to revisit this first AU of mine, feels like saying hello to an old friend :)
> 
> I know lots of you want other updates but please be patient. I’m still in hospital for managing my psychotic symptoms and writing has unfortunately been pushed from my priorities list. I’m still imagining plots all the time though, so once my brain has sorted its shit out, I’ll try to get some of those ideas down in words! 
> 
> Maisie xx


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continues on the day, just split the fic so it’s in more consumable chunks! <3

“You’re sure you don’t want me to come in with you?” Zack offered another time as they pulled up outside Tyler and Josh’s house. 

Tyler had walked to the diner where the brothers agreed to grab breakfast from, and it had taken about 40 minutes by foot, which was perfect to try and clear his head, but he was too tired to walk back, so his little brother had given him a lift. 

“I’m sure. You’ll go all protective and things will escalate again, and honestly my plan for the day is to just avoid him and let him figure it out because I’ve done all I can.”  
“Course I’m gonna be protective - he said you’re nothing, your own husband said you’re nothing.”  
“I think it came out wrong.”  
“I don’t care about semantics, I care about intent. He was intending to belittle you and, newsflash, that’s not okay.” Zack exhaled heavily. 

“Maybe he’s got a point though,”  
“No Tyler, no, don’t do this, don’t let him do this to you.”  
“I’m not falling down a spiral, I’m just saying, if he was trying to suggest that I haven’t fully figured out who I am without mental illness, he’s right. I mean I teach, and I love teaching, but beyond that? I guess all I am is his husband.”  
“You’re more than that, you’re my brother, and you’re hilarious, and really bad at finishing telling stories because you always get side tracked and start telling other stories, and your brain is capable of such immense creativity. You’re secretly a fussy eater but refuse to admit it, you ooze kindness into everything you do, and when you get really passionate about something then you become the most talkative person about that topic and it’s adorable. You’re honest and patient and loyal and courageous - you’re not nothing.”

“He was so obsessed with this idea of spending time with yourself to get to know yourself, and I’ve never properly done that.”   
“He’s claiming he has?” Zack asked.   
“Yeah, he’s saying that’s what Indonesia was all about, learning who he was after everything that happened.”

Zack audibly gulped. 

“You know what, he’s got some real cheek bringing up Indonesia-“  
“Don’t Zack, don’t, please,” Tyler had to reach across to stop him opening up the car door.   
“Acting like it was some kind of retreat, advertising it to other people - fuck that asshole.”  
“S’my husband you’re talking about.”  
“I know, and he is proud of himself for leaving you to have a psychotic breakdown. Doesn’t he realise how fucking awful that year was for everyone else?? You were trying to kill yourself pretty much every day, Mom had a nervous breakdown herself, Maddy started having panic attacks, Dad basically didn’t sleep for the whole time, Jay used to cry constantly, and me? Me, well, uh, well it, I just, it, it hit me hard too.” Zack struggled to find the words, which Tyler understood. It wasn’t a topic to be addressed lightly. 

“If he thinks Indonesia was a good idea then I’ll show hi-“  
“Don’t beat up my previously abused husband please.”  
“I wouldn’t, you know I wouldn’t, I’m just having a tough time trying to explain how mad I feel inside.” He was honest.   
“You’ve seen me hurt before and you don’t want it to happen again, I understand, but it’s gonna be okay. It’s Josh and me, we’ve got through everything that’s come up so far, and I’m sure this will be the same.” Tyler wasn’t sure at all if he was honest. 

“I think that you should come spend the rest of the day, maybe the night too, at my place, or Mom’s.”  
“Your roommates always stare at my scars and I don’t want Mom to know we’re fighting, she’ll only worry,”  
“But maybe she should be worried, he’s being an ass to you.”  
“He’s got court on Monday and he’s stressed about it, things will settle down soon.”  
“That’s exactly the kind of mentality you hear from survivors of abusive relat-“  
“Zack my relationship is not abusive, let’s, let’s just not even go there. I’m making excuses for him because they’re valid and I need to be considerate.”

“I know you love him, just don’t become a doormat for him to walk all over.”   
“I won’t.” Tyler promised. “I’m gonna head in, but thanks for breakfast. You sure you don’t want me to pay you back?”  
“I’m sure,”  
“Thanks bud, I’ll, uh, I’ll see you tomorrow at church,”  
“See you then,” Zack smiled sympathetically as Tyler picked up his plastic bag and climbed out the car, then waved his brother off and walked back up the path to his front door. 

“I’m home,” Tyler announced, closing the door behind him and predictably getting no response. 

After the diner, Zack and Tyler had quickly popped to the store and picked up 3 microwave ready meals. They didn’t look particularly appetising, and he knew they probably wouldn’t be up to Josh’s high standard, but nonetheless Tyler put them into the fridge so that his husband would have some quick and easy meals since he seemed to be too exhausted to cook at the end of his long workday. If they were ignored, that was fine, he just wanted to make the effort anyway. 

He didn’t know whether to go via the office or not, and after a few seconds hovering in the hall, Tyler decided to dig deep and swing by. 

“Hey- oh,” the word fell from Tyler’s mouth as he found Josh on the floor against the wall, cuddling his knees, eyes puffy and red. “Do you want me to pretend I didn’t see and give you some space? Or do you wanna talk about it?”  
“Can we talk?” Josh whispered a little helplessly.   
“Yeah sure,” Tyler closed the door behind him, then crouched opposite his husband before quickly realising his knees didn’t like that, so sitting back on his butt. 

“I think I had a panic attack,”  
“You had one? Or are currently having one?”  
“Had.”  
“S’shit huh?” Tyler recognised the state he was in well. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here.”  
“It’s fine, I pushed you away,” he wiped away a fast running tear. 

“What’s going on Josh? I know you said earlier that you feel like I’m picking fights with you and don’t respect your work, but this is more than that, isn’t it? There’s something more to it.”  
“I don’t even know,” he hid his face behind his hands. “I’m so scared,”  
“You’re scared? What are you scared of?” Tyler reached out and put his hand on Josh’s knee, and he flinched. “Breathe babe,”

“I w-wish I knew,”  
“It can be hard to put your finger on it, I know bubba, but can you manage thinking about what’s causing this dread that you’re choking on right now?”   
“Court.”  
“Court, okay, would it help if I called in sick on Monday and came to the courthouse to watch you instead? Just so you have a familiar face on the spectator’s bench?”  
“No! No, I don’t, I don’t want you to w-w-wat-ch me f-f-fa-fail.”  
“Oh love, can I hug you? Is that okay?” Tyler checked and Josh did a little nod as he broke down, so he scooted to be by his side and pulled him close, squeezing. 

“You’re not gonna fail, you’re amazing on the floor, and that’s not just my bias, your track record is like 90-something% success rate right? You’re amazing, you’ve got this, it’s going to be fine.”  
“S’not, s’not,” he shook his head determinedly. “It’s all gone to shit Ty,”  
“What has? The case?”  
“Ruined, I, I, I have to start again but my b-brain’s coming up with n-nothing and I’m g-gonna f-fail.”  
“Josh, sweetheart, even if you lose the case, you won’t have failed. It’s one client, and yeah it’ll suck, but someone has to lose every trial and it’s okay if that’s you sometimes. Part of the risk of being a lawyer on these more complex cases is the chance that you’ll meet an argument that you just can’t overcome, and that’s okay, that’s part of the job. You haven’t failed, okay?”

“I’m g-gonna be h-humiliated.”  
“Can you file a motion to postpone? Give you longer to work on your strategy?”  
“N-no,”  
“I saw someone ask on the day once. I went to the courthouse to watch you, and the guy before you stood up and asked for more time, and the judge allowed it. Gave them a couple of weeks.”  
“You c-can request a c-continuance, but y-you n-need a v-valid reason a-and m-my incompetency is n-not valid e-enough. It w-would never g-get thr-through.”  
“You’re not incompetent Josh, you’re not. Didn’t your old strategy get screwed up by somebody else?”   
“Kinda, but, but, but I was r-responsible for m-making sure he d-d-did his job ri-right, so it’s o-on me.”

“You put so much pressure on yourself. Does it come from above?” Tyler asked, then realised he should clarify. “Your boss, not God.”   
“Boss, God, s-self, clien-nts, p-p-parents, everyone.”  
“Your parents?”  
“Yeh,” he sniffed shaking and Tyler was patient, not pushing. 

“I just, can, can I be real?”  
“Course, always,” Tyler mopped up one of his husband’s tears for him, frowning ever so slightly at his heartbreak, holding him against his chest. 

“I wanna m-make something of m-myself, just, uh, j-just to prove to th-them that I c-can. They b-be-beat me my wh-whole life, told me I’d b-be ins-significant my w-whole life, g-get nowhere with-without them. I w-wanna be the b-best lawyer in the whole c-city, s-state, count-try, cos they t-told me I’d a-amount to nothing.”

Tyler loathed the Duns with every inch of his being, but couldn’t help the hurt he felt at the word ‘nothing’, and apparently Josh sensed it too. 

“It’s not nice to be thought of as nothing,” Tyler couldn’t resist whispering.   
“I’m s-sorry, I should-shouldn’t h-have s-said th-that.”  
“Nope you shouldn’t, but we can talk about that later, okay? That’s for later, for now we need to work through this notion that you somehow have to prove anything to those people who did what they did to you.” 

“W-what if t-they h-hear?”  
“What if they hear? Babe, they’re not anywhere near us, they can’t hear us, there’s nobody listening I promise.” He was suddenly very concerned about his husband’s grasp on reality being infringed upon by paranoia.   
“They m-might hear though,”  
“Josh they’re the other side of Columbus, they can’t hear us sweetheart.”  
“I d-don’t, d-d-don’t, I d-d,”  
“Breathe, take a moment darlin, we can wait as long as you need,” Tyler ran his hand through Josh’s hair soothingly. 

Josh gulped a few wavering breaths, then tried again. 

“I don’t m-mean they’ll hear us now,”  
“No, okay, good,”  
“I mean they’ll h-hear from s-someone that, th-that I e-embarrassed mysel-self. They’ll l-laugh at me T-Ty.”  
“Nobody is going to laugh at you.”  
“They w-will, my f-f-fam-family w-will.”  
“Josh who gives a fuck what they think? Let’s say hypothetically that for some reason somebody tells somebody who tells somebody who tells your mom that you lost a case, and because she’s a sadist she finds some humour in your disappointment, so what? They don’t matter, you hear me? They don’t matter.”

“I want them to not matter,” Josh sniffed. “But they s-still do,”  
“They’re your family, they were all you knew for 18 years, I know it’s not as simple as just cutting them off and not caring, but Josh they’re not worth this kind of reaction, you shouldn’t be wasting a single breath on them, okay baby? Let alone having panic attacks and getting worked up into a state, they’re not worth it. They didn’t lose any sleep over beating you and your siblings half way to death, so you sure shouldn’t be losing any over whether they might potentially hear about your involvement in a complex case.” 

“I h-hate them but I still w-w-want them to l-like me,”  
“I’m glad you hate them because that tells me that you recognise what they did was wrong, which you couldn’t comprehend for so long, so I’m glad you hate them. It’s rational, and I also think it’s somewhat rational to want to impress your parents, but you need to push through that Josh. If you’re still wanting something from them, even just to be respected, then that means there’s still a few strings left that need to be severed, because as long as there exists any connection between you, it gives them power to manipulate you. You need to cut them off completely, close the door on them, lock it, throw away the key, and move on with your life babe. You deserve better, so let yourself have better.”

“If, if, if, i-if, i-i-if-f,”  
“Breathe,” Tyler reminded him, rubbing a circle into his black slowly. “That’s it, deep breaths,”

“If I ruin my career and l-lose you, it means they were r-right T-Ty. Everything they ever s-said about me being b-b-better off with them will be r-right,”  
“Josh,” he didn’t even know where to begin. “Firstly, losing one case doesn’t equal a ruined career, and secondly, you are not going to lose me, you hear that? You’re not going to lose me.”   
“But-“  
“No, no buts, you are not going to lose me. Forget all that crap about ultimatums and whatever, I just get so wrapped up in my own head that I forget that your actions have deeply emotional motivations too, and I’m sorry. I’m not going to leave you, I promise. I made a vow to you that I will always be your husband and love you, and that is the truth. I’ll always love you, okay? No matter what, you’ve got me, yeah?”  
“Y-y-yeah,” 

“The idea that being locked in their basement being caned and whipped whilst the Bible was manipulated to torture you being better than anything is absurd. Even if you had absolutely nothing, it would still be better than enduring that torture. But you don’t have nothing Josh, you’ve built this amazing life for yourself and I’m so proud of you. You’ve got such an impressive career, a beautiful home and beautiful clothes, and you’ve got me, and one day we’ll have a little family of our own, yeah? You’re right, all of this? You’ve had to earn for yourself. And that is amazing Josh, you are amazing.”  
“I’m n-n-not, I’m a-an asshole,”  
“You’re stressed out of your mind, I see that now, and stress can make people act out of character. You’re not an asshole,”

“I’m s-so s-sorr-rry Ty,”  
“No don’t apologise, don’t,”  
“I’m b-being such a b-bad husb-band,”  
“By not appreciating how much you’ve got on your plate right now, I’m being a bad husband too. I’m only thinking of myself and my desires, rather than realising that you’re working so hard because you’re terrified of the alternative. In my mind you’ve been working late because you’re avoiding me, and I somehow convinced myself that you value money over me, but I see it from your perspective now too,”

“I called y-you n-nothing,” Josh cried guiltily.   
“You did, but, but maybe you’re right?”  
“No!”  
“I’ve been ill for so long - my whole life arguably - that I don’t know who I am without its influence.”  
“D-doesn’t m-make you n-nothing,” Josh sniffed, trying to sit up a little, so Tyler helped him reposition himself and then held eye contact with him. “Y-y-you’re the l-love of m-my l-l-life, you’re e-everything to m-me,”  
“You’re my whole world,” Tyler cupped Josh’s jaw for a moment, before moving his hand back to stroke some of his dark hair off of his damp face. “Maybe I do need to broaden my horizons a little, learn to cope better when you’re not around, but I never want to change the fact that you are the world to me,”

“I l-love you,” Josh gulped down several deep breaths. “and I’m s-sorry I’m n-not b-better than this-s,”  
“You never have to apologise sweetheart. You’re panicking and overwhelmed, which I understand more than most, and our priority needs to be on getting you to a better place,”  
“But I a-am s-sorry,”   
“Okay, I hear you, and I forgive you,” Tyler reassured him with what he needed to hear. “If I went upstairs and ran you a bath, would you get in it?”  
“W-would you s-stay with m-me?”  
“Yeah I’ll stay with you darling, course I will,”   
“O-okay th-then,”

Tyler learned how to iron as kid. Being homeschooled for the majority of his childhood meant his mom dictated the curriculum, and unlike his publicly educated siblings, that meant he learned actual practical skills that would serve him in the real world. 

Then of course his OCD tendencies as a child progressed to depression and self mutilation as a teenager, and his mom banned him from going anywhere near the iron after seeing him burn a triangle into his forearm. Then he had his psychotic breakdown and lost all skills he had ever possessed, ranging from being able to feed himself or talk to anybody, right through to less vital yet still important things like laundry. But after intensive rehabilitation in hospital, his mom did the job of teaching him all the little things all over again, and now he had the confidence to go at Josh’s Burberry shirt without hesitation. 

He understood now. Before he thought Josh had the pretty clothes because he was vain and materialistic, but now he understood that Josh was insecure and terrified and didn’t know who he was or where he fitted in, just knew he wanted to be the complete opposite of his parents. 

His parents spat on those who valued anything that wasn’t God, so by rejecting them he became their inverse. Josh hadn’t been allowed any possessions, his childhood bedroom contained a bed with one pillow and a scratchy wooden blanket, and a set of drawers with only plain and modest clothing that would be worn beyond thin. He had one set of shoes, grey suede, which he had to wear to school and to church and to exercise. He had one coat, which he had to wear whether it was a light April shower or a January deep freeze. He had one book, the Bible. 

It wasn’t minimalism, it was deprivation. Josh spent his years cold, with bloody blisters on his heels when his feet dared to grow too fast, and kids laughing at him and making jokes about the word ‘holy’ when his clothes eroded away with him in them. The only items in the house that were of high quality were his parents’ belt buckles. 

It made sense that Josh now found some relative comfort in the rebellion of indulging in cotton that was soft and collars that were crisp and shoes that were polished. Their bed had a dozen decorative throw pillows as a big fuck you to his parents who had ensured he had gone without for two decades. It was more than materialism, it was compensation, it was the process of outgrowing an abusive lifestyle, and Tyler made a promise to himself that he would be more supportive of Josh’s shopping sprees from now on. 

He finished ironing the expensive shirt and grabbed a wide-shoulder hanger with velvet flock from the pile, taking care as he did up the top button to secure it, then hung it on the handle of one of the cupboards in the utility room so he could continue with the next item. 

Just as he pulled another shirt from the basket, the door opened and Josh walked in, yawning and rubbing his eye. He was wearing his pyjamas and Tyler’s fluffy robe, and looked adorable with his curly hair sticking out all over the place. 

“Hey sleepyhead,”  
“Hey, uh, you, uh, you’re, you’re ironing,”  
“I am. I know you usually like to do it, but I had some free time so I figured I’d tick one job off the list at least.” Tyler smiled. 

Josh had his bath, with Tyler sat on the floor beside him, mostly in comfortable silence, then the exhausted lawyer had been convinced to change into his PJs, and had almost immediately fallen asleep on their double bed. Tyler knew he ought to work on the case, but he knew he needed sleep much more. The nap had been almost 2 hours. 

“Thanks Ty, that’s, uh, that’s really nice,”  
“You don’t have to thank me for doing our laundry,” he brushed it off, again with a reassuring smile.   
“No I appreciate it, I appreciate all the little things you do cos they add up,”  
“Straight back at you, handsome,”

“I’m, uh, are you hungry? Or are you still full from brunch with Zack?”  
“I could eat,”  
“I might quickly check my, uh, my messages on my work phone and my email, then I’ll see about rustling up some food for us. I think I’ve got some cooked chicken breast left from Tuesday so I might do a quick balsamic pasta with chicken and roasted tomatoes and asparagus, how does that sound?” Josh’s voice was croaky and yet gentle.   
“Could I have broccoli instead of asparagus? Or no?”  
“Course you can sweetness, uh, yeah, I’ll, I’ll hop on it,” he was so clearly still half asleep.   
“Thanks Josh, love you,”  
“I love you too,” he staggered out of the utility room in his post-nap slumber. 

He didn’t get to see sleepy-Josh very often. 

Maybe it was because he’d lost so much sleep during the years that the insomnia and nightmares had been at their peak, maybe it was just biology, but Tyler seemed to require almost double the amount of sleep that his husband did these days. That meant that he was usually struggling to keep his eyes open whilst Josh was at his most productive during the evenings, and then most mornings he was out the door before Tyler’s alarm blared obnoxiously to rouse him. It felt like a rare treat to get to see his husband at such an adorable yet vulnerable part of his day. 

Realistically he knew not much would change in regards to their conflicting schedules. Josh needed to work long hours to feel valid, and Tyler needed to work short hours to stay healthy. To try and persuade the other that they were wrong was to not acknowledge the fact they were individuals with different coping strategies. Neither of them were wrong, it was just inconvenient. But Tyler was grateful that he had had his mind opened by Josh that day. It had felt like perhaps they were drifting apart, but his husband’s painful honesty about his parents had reassured him that the trust was still there, and now Tyler felt like he understood his partner that bit more. 

It hadn’t been a good day, but it definitely went better than he was expecting-

“TYLER!”

Immediately his stomach dropped at Josh’s cry from across the house, and he hurried to turn the iron off and rush towards the noise. 

“What? What is it?” Tyler ran into his office, expecting something to be wrong, really wrong, but instead found Josh with a grin up to his ears. Josh lunged towards Tyler and picked him up with his strong arms, spinning once in a circle before putting him down again with a giddy giggle. 

“What’s happened?” He asked again, already feeling relieved that his husband was so delighted by some news.   
“Look, email from the office of the other party, they want me to support their submission of an affidavit to the court to declare their request for a continuance so they can call another expert witness,”  
“And again? In English?”  
“The opposition are pushing the court date back! I’ve got time to rebuild my case!”  
“Oh wow Josh! Wow, that’s-“  
“A bloody miracle,” Josh hugged Tyler again excitedly, suddenly enthused with energy. 

“See, God knew you deserved a break and He delivered,” Tyler squeezed his husband back. 

Personally he wasn’t all that comfortable with his faith at that point of his life, he felt disconnected from God, but he knew that Josh held a special place in his heart for his spirituality, and Tyler also knew the statement would bring great comfort for him. 

“I’m on the right track Ty, this is a sign, God’s letting me know that I’m on the right track,”   
“Absolutely you’re on the right track baby; your parents are wrong, everything they ever said about you was wrong. You don’t need them, you don’t need to abide by their rules to succeed, you’re making it on your own-“  
“I’m not on my own, I’ve got you,” Josh cupped Tyler’s face and kissed him quickly, then hugged him again.   
“You’ve got me, you will always have me,” he whispered against his husband’s ear, holding him close, feeling the hammering of his heart against his chest. 

  
“Ty hun! Lunch is ready when you are!” Josh’s voice called from the kitchen, so Tyler finished the annotation he was making on the piece of simple music for one of his students and put down his pencil, then left his music room and zipped across the hall to join him. 

“Oh that smells amazing,” he was immediately hit with a beautiful waft of the balsamic reduction that Josh had essentially glazed the pasta with. “Do you want a drink or have you got one on the go?”  
“Do you mind grabbing me a vitamin water?”  
“Sure thing,” Tyler opened the fridge and pulled out one of Josh’s health drinks before grabbing himself a red bull, then followed his husband into the dining room. 

They both had identical bowls of balsamic pasta mixed with perfectly roasted broccoli and tomatoes, and Josh had a side plate with a few asparagus spears on too. It all looked delicious. Tyler put their drinks on their respective coasters, then sat opposite his husband with a smile. 

“I can’t remember the last time we sat down and ate together like this,” Josh remarked.   
“Too long ago,”  
“From now on we should make sure we do at least dinner together every day.”  
“That would be lovely, but you gotta get your tushy through the door a bit sooner - I get hungry and don’t have the self control to keep away from the cookie cupboard for that long.”  
“Heard loud and clear,” he chuckled a little, nibbling on an asparagus as Tyler ate his first spoonful of pasta. 

“How’s your lesson planning going?”  
“Good, yeah, one of my little ones has got his grade 4 piano exam in two weeks so we’re just going over his pieces in his privates at the moment and I’ve been trying to come up with ways for him to remember this little section he always forgets, which is just a nice lil exercise for me to do. Forces me to think outside of the box and be imaginative I guess.”  
“Do you think he’s gonna pass?”  
“Absolutely, he’s amazing, he’s been ready for weeks, he’s just a perfectionist and gets all stressed when it isn’t spot on. I think he could quite easily get a distinction, but he likes to aim for full marks,”  
“How old is this kid?”  
“8,”  
“Yikes, he’s got a fun couple of years ahead of him if he’s afraid of imperfection already.”  
“You’re telling me,” Tyler agreed. “But I’ve met his mom and she’s great, always telling him it’s okay to slip up and it’s not important to be 100% perfect all the time. She’s a good mom, so she’ll have his back no matter what,”

“Reminds me of you,” Josh smirked cheekily.   
“Me? What, no! He reminds me of you!”   
“A piano over-enthusiast who underestimates himself, that’s you written all over,”  
“I’ve got the cool Mom, but the rest is for sure you!” Tyler laughed.   
“What? You mean because I kinnnnddaaaa had a panic attack and sobbed over my fear of failure like 3 hours ago? Pfff, that ol’ chestnut? That’s nothing, dunno what you’re talking about, I love me some failure,” he chuckled at himself, and Tyler felt relieved that he was ready to approach the situation with jokes already, so smiled. 

“I always forget how shit panic attacks are.” Josh sobered a little.   
“Are you still feeling it now?”  
“Got a mild remnant headache, but I think the bath and nap got rid of most of it; I guess I just feel kind of raw? Like, emotionally?”  
“Makes sense, I mean you spoke about stuff that you’ve never really opened up about, at least not to me.”

“When was your last panic attack?” Josh asked after a moment of reflection.   
“Mine, pff, uh, last Wednesday?”  
“Oh, you didn’t tell me,”  
“You were busy,” Tyler shrugged.   
“Were you okay?”  
“Took some PRN and called my mom and I was fine, just got myself in a tizz about being home alone, but honest Josh, it’s fine, I get it now, it’s not about you staying at the office to be away from me, it’s about you staying to prove to yourself that you’re more than what you were told you were.” 

“I should know by now. We’ve been married for a year, together for half a dozen - I’ve experienced such deep love from you and your family, it should have written over the neglect by now,”  
“It wasn’t only neglect, it was physical and psychological torture, and I don’t think it works like that babe,” Tyler watched as Josh played with his food using his fork. “Especially because it was during your childhood, I think it’s buried real deep, and so it’s gonna take a long time and a lot of work to ever move past it.”

“When you say work, what do you mean?” He looked up, anxiety in his ever so slightly furrowed brow and clenched jaw.   
“Therapy, confronting the totality of the pain, figuring out how and what that’s affecting nowadays, and somehow grabbing the horns of the bull and wrestling it into what you need it to be to move forwards.”

“I dunno if therapy’s for me,” Josh shrugged a little, eating some pasta in what Tyler could clearly recognise as an avoidance technique.   
“Therapy’s the best, everyone should go to therapy, but especially survivors like you.” Tyler returned. “Why do you not fancy it?”  
“I suppose because I’m functional.”  
“And by functional you mean...?”  
“I mean therapy is really great for you, and I’m so glad you have Dr Wakefield and the whole team, because he’s helped you improve leaps and bounds, but let’s be honest Ty, you started in a far worse position than I did. You needed therapy because you were, and still are at times, incredibly ill. You’re ill and that’s needing of treatment, I’m not ill, all things considered I’m doing alright.”

“I am, hmm, lemme just, hm,” Tyler paused to get his thoughts in order, taking a swig of Red Bull. “Okay. I am diagnosed with a whole host of psychiatric issues, and there are days when they fuck up my life and I can’t function, but there are also days when I’m doing way better, and I still go to therapy. Therapy isn’t just about treating a condition, it’s about confronting your thoughts and analysing your actions so that you can understand yourself better and learn to cope better - and that’s learning to cope with life, not just something that fits in DSM 5.”  
“Right,”

“I guess it’s similar to what you were saying this morning, about needing to take the time to get to know yourself. You went to Indonesia, I go to Dr Wakefield.”  
“Indonesia was just me though, sat with myself,”  
“You served as your own therapist, which actually isn’t all that uncommon. Quite a lot of the time in my sessions, Dr Wakefield sits back and lets me talk, and then link up the dots on my own, because that kind of organic realisation is really powerful. And maybe because you did such an intensive block - most of a year - you’ve been able to navigate to this point with relative ease considering what you’ve come from. But maybe it’s time for a refresher? A booster? Because the cracks are beginning to show again, whether it’s the fact that you’re having panic attacks, or maybe it’s me noticing that you’re not wearing a belt anymore, but things have slipped a little, and you would benefit from getting back on track again in my opinion.” 

“You noticed the lack of belt?”   
“Of course I have, I tense up every time I see you pull one out of the drawer because a small part of me is expecting you to have a flashback and whip yourself,” Tyler was brutally honest. “But of course I noticed the lack, and maybe it’s a healthy decision you’ve made, knowing you’re better off without the trigger in your daily routine, or maybe you’re regressing a little and need some help to manage this.”

“What you said, about grabbing the horns - I think I’d rather not poke the beast? I get scared that talking about it and thinking about it will make all these old feelings come back up again,”  
“The fact that they’re coming up suggests that they’re being pushed down, and the problem with that is they’re never going to be able to leave you if you keep them crammed down deep. A controlled release isn’t fun, but it does stop the haunting.”

Josh played with a piece of pasta with his fork. 

“I like my life with you. I don’t want to let them back into it.”  
“Nobody’s going to make you do some kind of forgiveness ritual where you have to invite them back into your life, nobody’s gonna do that. It’s not about them, it’s about you and how you juggle all these memories and feelings and stuff,”  
“I don’t want to even waste a moment of my time thinking about them though. They’re behind me, you’re my future.”  
“Absolutely I am.” Tyler put his hand on the table, and Josh reached across and held it. 

“I’m not gonna make you do anything you don’t want to. Therapy is awesome for me, but I won’t force you to sign up if you don’t want, because I respect your ability to make good choices. All I will say is that you felt so restored after taking some time with yourself in Indonesia, therapy gives you that same opportunity to explore your character but for one hour a week. If you don’t wanna talk to a therapist, okay, but there are other ways of doing it. Maybe you sit and you write about some difficult things for an hour, such as why you’re not wearing a belt anymore, or you go for a walk in the woods by yourself and let your mind wander with you, or something like that. If the classic therapy set up makes you uncomfortable, you can keep the power in your hands by being proactive in your spare time.”

“Spare time,” Josh sniffed. “What’s that?”  
“We’ll find you some, juggle around the schedule a bit,”  
“Every second I’m not working, I wanna be spending with you,” he squeezed Tyler’s hand. “I want us to be together more, that’s what really helps me. When I’m on my own, that’s when I start hearing my mom’s words again, but when I’m with you it all kind of fades into the background.”

“I’ve missed you. I know we still share the same bed every night and whatever, but I miss you,” Tyler admitted honestly.   
“I know what you mean, it’s like there’s been a divide, and I’ve missed you too. I’m sorry I sometimes lose perspective of what’s important - yes, my career is important for so many reasons, it gives me a platform to feel like I shine on and a space that I hold control over, it gives me a structure and a purpose and a passion to sculpt my time with, it gives me the means to possess things I spent years of my life denied access to, both materially but also in terms of my confidence and view of myself, but it’s not everything. You’re everything. You’re the most important aspect of my life and I need to start treating you like that again,”

“You know you can talk to me about anything, don’t you Josh?”  
“I know darling,”  
“In the past I think it’s fair to say it’s not been perfectly balanced between us in terms of who’s been the carer and the caree, and there’s been a lot of times where honestly I don’t think I could have handled both your issues and my own, but that’s not the case anymore. I know it’s a hard habit to unlearn, keeping things hidden, but I’m here now Josh, yeah? I’m here and I’m stable and strong and I can take the load, and more than that, I actively want to support you in processing all the shit that’s stopping you from being as happy as you potentially could be.”

“I, I don’t like the word carer,” Josh picked up on that term in particular. “I really appreciate the sentiment of what you’re saying, that you’re healthier now so you feel like you can help more, but that’s not how I see the dynamic of our relationship,”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Carer sounds so one sided, as if I’m the only one putting any energy into your wellbeing, when in fact you provide me with so many opportunities for growth even when you’re at your absolute worst. You’ve been helping me for years. It’s not like I’ve had this long list of things I need to deal with that I’ve had to put aside and instead help you work on yours - being your carer, weird word, but being the person who cares deeply about you and helps you manage your mental health isn’t just something that benefits you Ty, it benefits me too. Maybe it’s not as outwardly visible as your progress, but I’ve come a really long way as well and that’s because of how much you’ve already taught me on this journey. It’s not as if only one of us can be healing and we have to pick whose turn it is, we’re both healing simultaneously and it just so happens that right now you’re crushing it and my brain is being a tad stubborn, but that doesn’t mean there needs to be any sort of role reversal in which you now assume this conceptual chief-carer position, do you get what I mean?”

“I think it stems from guilt,” Tyler thought out loud. “When I’m bad, you have to do so much for me. Some days you have to physically pin me down, you have to wrestle me down into a physical restraint as I cry and kick and scream and if you lapse for even a moment, I’m going to try and kill myself. That’s an enormous ask of you and you always step up to the plate, and I feel like we’re unbalanced because you’ve never asked that much of me. Now offering myself up as a care-provider is my way of making it up to you I guess. Obviously I’d still want to help you even if you hadn’t helped me so much because I love you and I want you to be the best you you can, but yeah, I dunno,”

“I don’t keep score Ty, I’ve never looked at us like that, I’ve never felt like you owe me anything in return for me looking out for you, because you’re right, it’s instinct to look after the person you love,”

“To this extent though? Years of your life have been dedicated to my mental health,”  
“Honestly? I think it’s become normal to me, it’s part of our routine, it’s part of our bond, it’s a huge part of my world and I can’t imagine my life without the complexities of loving you. Obviously I said some stupid stuff recently but I promise you Ty, I promise you, that wasn’t reflective of some deeper resentment building, it was just exhaustion and frustration within my work that bled out onto my home life, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry babe. We’ve established how messy my career is for me in terms of my parents influencing the pressure I feel to succeed, but I’m not going to allow the stress of work to come home and impact us as a couple again because in my eyes that’s letting my parents win again. I’m not letting their talons of hatred creep through any cracks; this relationship and this love I have for you is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, you’re the best thing in my whole world, and I’m really grateful that I’ve been reminded of that today, I’m just sorry your feelings had to get hurt in the process,”

“I love you,” Tyler kissed his hand.   
“I love you,”  
“I love when you talk like this,”  
“I’ll talk like this whenever you want Ty, you’re my husband, you’re my life partner, you get unlimited access to this noggin of mine,” Josh tapped his temple then sighed. “I’m sorry if it feels like I lock you out sometimes,”  
“Not at all, not at all,”  
“I’m doing my best to figure it all out, I hear what you’re saying about having a therapist to guide me through it but I’m not completely convinced I’m ready to have a stranger rummaging through my thoughts just yet, maybe someday, but for now I’d love to have your help,”  
“Thank you for trusting me,” Tyler said quietly, knowing Josh was understating how hard it was to be open. 

“A lot of this crap has been brewing for a long time, like, like from my early childhood, it’s, uh, it’ll be good to have another person’s perspective rather than overthinking everything alone.”  
“It’s gonna be hard but it’s gonna be good,”  
“Things worth having are worth working for, and I think having total freedom from my parents is definitely going to be worth the struggle,” he said before adding, “Debby, she, uh, we used to, she, she used to talk to me about it a lot, the a-abuse or whatever, she used to try and help me process it all and, and when she died I just,”

Josh paused and Tyler let him have some time, not saying anything. 

“I felt like I ruined her life by letting her in. I felt like I corrupted her view of the world and too much of her short time on Earth was spent worrying about me when otherwise she would have lived such an idyllic innocent life. I exposed her to things that no teenager should ever have to deal with, and when she passed and I went to Indonesia, I vowed not to contaminate anybody else with the burden of what was done to me. So, so yeh,”

“I’m really proud of you for telling me Josh,”  
“Mmm,” he was still deep in his previous thought and Tyler respected the bubble, but squeezed his hand after a minute to try and keep him from slipping too deep into the bad memories. 

“Josh,”  
“Yeh?”  
“You okay?”  
“Yeh,”  
“Try to remind yourself that she got to see you leave that house, she saw you move in with me and my family, she saw you escape that horrible place and she saw you finally find a safe loving home,”   
“She saw a lot more than that,”

He had a glassiness to his eyes that Tyler didn’t trust. 

“Do you want to take a walk round the garden with me? Get some fresh air?”  
“Hmm? Oh, sorry, I just, yeh, sorry, no, I’m okay,” he came back to the present and rubbed his face for a moment then forced a smile. “I’m okay,”

“Thinking about her? Or about them?”  
“Her.”  
“I miss her too,”  
“She wouldn’t want me to mope,” Josh told himself off.   
“You’re not moping, you’re processing, which is exactly what you need to be doing, yeah?”  
“Mmm, gah, this whole ‘not-stuff-everything-as-far-down-as-physically-possible’ malarkey is gonna take some getting used to,”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know whether you enjoyed another fic from this universe - I’m not sure at this point whether people are over me dragging it on and on or whether they wish I’d post more. 
> 
> I have a couple more fics from this universe that are mostly done, just need editing, but don’t want to put my attention on them if people prefer I finish my works-in-progress or start fresh things 
> 
> So yeah, please let me know!


End file.
